Shattered
by carby101
Summary: Abby dies and Carter must learn to live without her. The only problem is, he can't !!!Final Chapter is up!!!I wrote 2 endings and yes one has a carby end!!!!lala
1. Shattered

First of all, let me say that I am a Carby and this story is very depressing and angsty. I wanted to think how the ER and especially Carter would react if a certain something happened. This is set a few months after lockdown and Carter and Abby are going out. This chapter is very short because i don't know if i should continue, tell me.Oh and I don't own ER, enough said! Please review and this is my first fic ever so don't be too hard on me if this is complete rubbish!  
  
Carter and Abby walked through the door of her apartment exhausted. They had both just worked a shattering twenty hour shift and were about ready to murder Dr Weaver for making them both do a double. Taking pity on her cute as hell boyfriend, Abby let him sit down while she went to the kitchen to make some coffee.  
  
"Two sugars ok for you Carter?" Abby asked from inside the kitchen,  
  
"At the moment Abby I'm way too tired to care." Carter replied as he stretched himself out on her couch slowly falling asleep. He was jerked back into consciousness by a resounding CRASH from the kitchen.  
  
"Abby, you ok in there?" he asked, getting no response,  
  
"Abby?" He walked into the kitchen slightly worried, to investigate and was greeted by the sight of Abby lying on the floor motionless. By her side was a smashed teacup.  
  
"Oh my god"  
  
He rushed to her side and crouched down beside her, feeling for a pulse. He couldn't find one. 


	2. Time of death

Authors note: Thanks for the reviews!!!I wanted to say that for the purpose of my fic, Romano is in action with 2 normal arms. This took me ages to update because i got writers block and then I wrote 2 fics when I recovered. Same as last time this is depressing and if you are going to slag off people's work write it in a signed review. I am open to constructive criticism, but maggiemay's reviews are not constructive, they are just criticism and she has gone around anonymously giving bad reviews to some excellent fics. Get a life maggiemay! After that little rant I will continue my fic.......  
  
He felt again for a pulse, and after a few minutes of trying he found one. It was a weak pulse, so weak that it was almost non-existent., but it meant that Abby was alive. Not very alive, he just had to look at her to see that .But there was a chance of her living through this, a chance of everything being okay, like he had promised her all those months ago  
  
Carter grabbed for the phone that was sitting on the table near him and called 911. He waited for the ambulance. In reality it only took the ambulance 10 minutes to get there but to him it seemed like a lifetime. At last there was a knock on the door and Carter ran to open the door.  
  
"Dr Carter," said the ambulance person at the door.  
  
"She, she's through here. I don't know what happened, I think she just collapsed," Carter said as he lead the way to the kitchen.  
  
~~~~~~Later at the hospital~~~~~~~~~~~ The gurney burst through the doors with Carter running along beside it.  
  
"Carter, what are you doing here?" It was Susan, "aren't you off-shift? You must be so eager to...." she trailed off as she looked downwards at the gurney. She had seen Abby. "oh my god," "female, trauma to head, weak pulse, you'll need to intubate," the person from the ambulance told Susan.  
  
"Dr Weaver!" Susan called out. She knew that she could not deal with this alone. Dr Weaver came up to her and saw Abby lying motionless on the gurney. She immediately took charge, like only she could do.  
  
"ok, I need to begin CPR as soon as we get to trauma 1," she saw Carter looking at her,  
  
"can I come?" Carter asked quietly,  
  
"I don't think that it would be a good idea," she watched as Carter looked at her and then turned around to go to the lounge.  
  
"Susan, go with him, make sure he's okay,"  
  
"but I want to help,"  
  
"If you want to help then go talk to Carter, he'll need someone to talk to. I'll find Robert and Lizzie, she'll get the best care possible." Susan and Kerry hadn't always been the best of friends but this was one time when Susan knew that Kerry was right. She followed Carter to the lounge.  
  
Carter sat in the lounge immersed in his own thoughts. He couldn't image life without her. He remembered the pain he had felt when Lucy died and he knew that if anything was going to happen to Abby he would feel a hundred times worse. Abby had been his best friend and if she died there would be a void. A void that no one could fill, he would never be able to love again. His heart would be shattered into a million pieces, like the smashed teacup. No matter how hard anyone tried to repair it would never be the same again. He had opened up his heart and now he was bearing the consequences.  
  
He didn't hear Susan walk into the room. One minute he was alone and the next there was someone sitting beside him, talking to him. He didn't want to listen, he could hear her talking but he couldn't identify any of the words. He couldn't think, anything he thought of, he saw Abby's face pale and motionless. The usual smile no longer there and her eyes just staring at him. No matter how long he lived he would never forget the sight  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~In trauma room 1~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"I need suction!" Dr Romano called out. He had cracked open her chest in an attempt to make her heart beat.  
  
"I told you not to crack her!" Dr Corday shouted at him  
  
"I need some suction!"  
  
"Robert we're losing her," Dr Weaver was trying to remain calm, but the sight in front of her would not allow her to,  
  
"Well, get me some damn suction!"  
  
"The BP is falling," Dr Corday commented, helping Dr Romano with the suction.  
  
"Well thank you Lizzie, helpful at last."  
  
"Her BP is still falling,"  
  
"Yes Kerry, I know that!"  
  
The electronic beats that signified the beating of Abby's heart merged into one continuous noise.  
  
"Time of death, eleven, twenty-eight pm"  
  
  
  
  
  
I just read through this and I think that it is rubbish. If you are reading it then obviously i decided to post it. At the moment I can't deicide. I don't know if I will continue but if I do, let me make it clear that just because Abby is dead I have no plans to turn this into a Carsan or Jinter, or anything like that. It will be Carby all the way. 


	3. Everybody hurts and everybody cries to q...

Sorry it has been so long since I updated. I got writers block. Thanks for the reviews, I'm sorry I killed off Abby. Oh and the 'he' is Carter, in case you were wondering, it is obvious but......  
  
He knew it was bad news when he saw Dr Weaver crying. She wasn't the sort of person to cry openly and publicly, but there she was, a few tears tricking down her cheeks, standing there. He walked up to her and knew what she was going to say before she said it.  
  
"Abby was hurt really badly, we did everything we could.."  
  
"But she didn't make it," Carter continued for her, "You tried everything you could but there was nothing you could do. She died, Abby died..." he trailed off, feeling tears form in his eyes. He couldn't cry, he couldn't break down, not in front of Dr Weaver.  
  
"Do you know what the funny thing is?" he said, "She's dead, she's really dead and there's nothing I can do. I can't make her alive again," he felt a tear slide down his cheek. He was crying, he ran. Away from Weaver, he wanted to run away to a place where Abby was alive, where everything was okay. Since that place didn't exist he ran to the men's room. When he got there he collapsed and broke down. About a minute later Susan entered, she had followed him. She perched down beside him, her eyes were red, she had been crying. He put his hand to his eyes and wiped away the tears,  
  
"It's okay to cry," she said, "She's dead, hell I didn't know her that well and I'm crying,"  
  
He looked at her, to see tears falling down her cheeks. He started to cry. Not just tears falling down your face kind of crying, the kind of crying that makes your head hurt. She was gone, she was really gone.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Carter opened the door to the lounge to see Luka sitting on a chair looking at his hands,  
  
"You heard then," Carter said,  
  
"yeah," Luka replied, at a loss for words.  
  
Carter went to sit down opposite him. "I guess you're used to this, you lost your wife and kids,"  
  
"Doesn't make it any less painful,"  
  
"Yeah, but I guess it dulls the pain,"  
  
"You lost your brother..."  
  
"A long time ago,"  
  
"You loved her,"  
  
"yeah,"  
  
"and she loved you,"  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"The way she would look at you, when she thought no one was looking, the way she spoke to you,"  
  
"I think that someone up there must hate me. I finally found someone to share my life with and then I loose my one opportunity to be with someone who I love,"  
  
"You have to look to the future,"  
  
"What?"  
  
"That's the secret, that's what I did when I lost my wife, I forgot, well I tried to, I moved on with my life."  
  
" I don't think I can,"  
  
"You lost her, It's tragic, she died way too young, but she was happy when she died. She was with you." 


	4. Hes only happy when he's dreaming

Authors note: I seem to have no writers block because it's only been a few days since I posted the last chapter. I think I depressed a few people with the last chapter (oops) and I think I made some people (gasps) doubt my carbiness. I even depressed myself with all the angst so I decided to write this chapter, it has nothing much to do with the storyline but I need to write some fuzz! Sorry about this being such a long authors note!  
  
John Carter woke up in the arms of the woman he adored. He was woken up by his four year old daughter, Sarah jumping on top of him. She certainly had a lot of energy, about a year ago Abby had been worried by her seemingly endless energy and had ordered tests to be done to see if Sarah was bi- polar. When the results came back negative both Abby and Carter could have danced around their newly purchased kitchen with joy. Their life really was perfect.  
  
"Daddy, wake up! You promised you would take me to the park," Sarah said, grinning,  
  
Carter turned to look at the clock and groaned,  
  
"Get your mom to take you,"  
  
"She can't, she has a shift at nine, remember? It's already eight,"  
  
"Do you really have to go to the park?"  
  
"Yes and you promised, you always tell me never to break promises,"  
  
"This is different,"  
  
"How?"  
  
"Im an adult and you're just a four year old girl," Sarah looked at him with her puppy-dog eyes, Abby was always saying that she had got them from him.  
  
"Fine, I'm getting up!" He sat up in bed and motioned at Sarah to go away. He looked at Abby sleeping peacefully, she had a shift in an hour so he would have to wake her. Waking up Abby was something that no one should have to do, she really was not a morning person. He reached over to her and shook her, gently. "Abby, you have to get up, you have a shift in an hour,"  
  
Abby responded by throwing a pillow at him, "Uggh, do I have to go? Maybe I could call in sick,"  
  
"And say what?" he replied, throwing the pillow back at her and hitting her in the face,  
  
"That I'm throwing up everywhere and my hardass husband won't let me go into work,"  
  
"Bad excuse, get up," He grabbed her arms and pulled her out of bed, dragging her towards the bathroom. "Have a shower, that'll wake you right up,"  
  
"I don't want to wake up,"  
  
"Well, at the very least it'll make you smell better,"  
  
"Are you saying that I smell?"  
  
"Yes,"  
  
"Somedays I don't know why I even married you," she grumbled,  
  
"because you were five months pregnant and wanted your baby to have a father,"  
  
"Something like that."  
  
"So now we know why we got married, go shower."  
  
"You can't make me,"  
  
"Yes I can,"  
  
"Really?" she said, grinning at him,  
  
"I can, but I'm not going to because I have to get Sarah to the park."  
  
"Why are you taking Sarah to the park at eight in the morning?"  
  
"Because you can't,"  
  
"I'd better go have that shower," Abby said before going into the bathroom,  
  
"Oh, and don't forget to talk to Weaver about arranging some maternity leave, only two months now,"  
  
"How could I forget?" Abby shouted from inside the bathroom.  
  
Carter walked down the stairs to the kitchen. He was thinking about what a lucky man he was, he had a beautiful wife who he was in love with, he had the sweetest, most hyperactive daughter in the world and another child on the way.  
  
He got some cereal and some juice out for Sarah and himself and shouted up the stairs to Sarah that her breakfast was ready. She came bounding down the stairs dressed in a t-shirt and some dungarees. They ate their breakfast and then after Carter had forced Sarah into a woolly hat and scarf they got into the car and drove to the park. It was the middle of December, a few days away from Christmas and there was snow everywhere. The park was full of children having snowball fights and making snowmen. Carter had the entire day off and although he would have liked to have spent it in bed, he had to admit that he enjoyed spending time with his daughter.  
  
Sarah played in the snow, while Carter sat a bench talking to her.  
  
"Daddy, when is my little brother or sister going to be here?" Sarah asked,  
  
"In about two months,"  
  
"What are you going to call her?"  
  
"Well, I was talking to your mom and we think that you should choose a name,"  
  
"I can choose?"  
  
"Yup,"  
  
"Any name I want?"  
  
"Any name."  
  
"Okay," Sarah's small face looked deep in thought, a very cute sight. "Well if it's a boy, Doug, like the TV show, you know that one?"  
  
"Yeah," said Carter thinking of a very different Doug.  
  
"And, if it's a girl, then Nadine,"  
  
"Interesting name,"  
  
"One of the people at my playgroup has a mommy called Nadine, and I think that it's a very pretty name."  
  
"It certainly is."  
  
There were signs of Christmas everywhere, Carter took Sarah to the Santa's grotto so that she could see Santa and sit on his knee and then he took her to a skating rink .She had gone skating before and although she had fallen over many times she had loved every minute. After about two hours on the ice Sarah had managed to skate around the rink without falling over at all. Carter however, didn't have the same luck. By the end of the two hours he was sure that he had fractured at least five bones in his legs and he knew that he had a seriously bruised butt.  
  
They finished off the day by going to Doc Magoos where they met Susan, who was going to look after Sarah until Abby got off shift. After Doc Magoos Carter went to the ER where he began his shift. He felt so happy that he could hear ringing in his ears, in fact he could hear ringing everywhere. The air seemed to be buzzing and the world spiralled and seemed to disappear into a black hole. The dream was over.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Carter was woken up by his alarm clock. He looked at it to see that it was nine am . The funeral was in four hours time. 


	5. Ashes to ashes

Authors note: I haven't updated in a while and again I've gone on a writing spree, updating all of my fics. Please R&R. and i'm sorry if I'm depressing you. Also I'm trying to think of a way to get Abby and Carter together in the end, I plan on doing two endings a depressing one and a fuzzy one. I need help on the fuzzy one, please e-mail me at cutecarrie2@hotmail.com with ideas about how to make a happy carby ending, otherwise I will only have a depressing ending.  
  
The funeral was very overdone, there were flowers everywhere, people giving speeches about Abby, the kind thoughtful nurse. Abby would have hated it. For the past week Carter had been in some sort of a daze and the funeral had been arranged by various people from the ER. People had asked him many times what Abby would have wanted, but every time he thought about it he felt as though he would throw up. In the end the people had stopped trying to find out from him what Abby would have wanted and planned things without him.  
  
Every single person he knew at the funeral and many he didn't came up to him to say how sorry they were. At the end of the service, just before the coffin was put into the ground Carter had to make a speech..  
  
He stood before the people, "You know, Abby would have hated this," he said, feeling tears form in his eyes. "All these fresh flowers, she like dead flowers, she said that there was something dark and depressing about them. She, she was a good person, and I know that many people are going to miss her. The past year when we were together was the happiest of my life, she made me happy." He went to stand with the other people while the coffin was lowered into the ground.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
About two hours later Carter was still standing by her grave, looking at the headstone. He felt someone standing behind him, he turned around to see Maggie.  
  
"Did I miss it, the funeral?" she asked,  
  
"Yeah,"  
  
"I didn't want to, I got on an early train, an early early train. I couldn't find this place."  
  
"It's kinda hidden away,"  
  
"I missed my daughter's funeral. How, did it happen?"  
  
"How did what happen?"  
  
"How did she die?"  
  
"She had a stroke, a really bad one. Probably caused by smoking all those cigarettes,"  
  
"I told her it was a bad habit,"  
  
"I should have done something, when I saw her I froze,"  
  
"I told her, why didn't she listen?"  
  
"All those years as doctor and I couldn't do anything,"  
  
"She never listened to me. John?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You're a doctor, does it hurt when you have a stroke?"  
  
"No, you don't feel a thing."  
  
"Good, good." They stood side by side for a while, until it got dark, then they went and left Abby to rest in peace.  
  
Authors note 2: Sorry this is so short and rubbish! Please R&R! 


	6. She's not a princess

Author's not: I think this will be the last chapter (don't all rush to say goodbye) I've written 2 endings for this fic. One is majorly angsty with a carby ending and the other is not-so angsty. Please say which ending you preferred. And remember R&R!  
  
  
  
Whatever he did was mechanic. He didn't function properly, he didn't feel anything, not even pain. He went into the ER, he saw a few patients and then he went home. Or at least he went to the place he called home, he wasn't sure where his real home was anymore. At first people had been worried about him but as time went on they began to accept that he was never going to be like he was before.  
  
Everywhere he went there were memories of her. In the hospital, on the El, Doc Magoos, everywhere. He just wanted to get away from it all, to start a new life, forget her. It made his heart break to think that. Forgetting her, he didn't want to do that, he couldn't. He couldn't move on like everyone was telling him to. He couldn't find someone else. He didn't want anyone else, he wanted her. He was sitting in the lounge, when Susan walked in. She looked at him, concerned and realised that she had to talk to him. She took a deep breath and began to speak, "Carter,"  
  
"Yes Susan."  
  
"Look, I know that this is all hard for you. But Carter you had half a year off and frankly everyone is worried about you. We all miss the old you."  
  
"Look I'm sorry. I didn't want any of this to happen."  
  
"I know, but you need to get on with life."  
  
"I don't think I can."  
  
"You have to try."  
  
"You don't understand, everywhere I go has memories of her. I turn a corner and I see someone, a nurse maybe, who has the same hair, the same build as her and my heart leaps for a second. I convince myself that the past half year has been some sort of a wacky nightmare."  
  
"Carter, you have to find a way to get over her. There is a way you just have to find it. Abby dies and we all lost you." He listened to those words, they reminded him of the harsh words he had said to his mother. The day he had seen Sobricki again and Abby had tried to protect him from seeing him. Every thought her had, everything people said could make him think of her. He had listened to Susan and he knew that he had found a way.  
  
Ending number 1 (the not so angsty if slightly boring one):  
  
He knew what he had to do and the first thing he had to do was talk to Weaver. He must have been very lucky that day because the first person to walk round the corner was indeed Weaver. He walked up to her, "Dr Weaver, I um , need to talk to you."  
  
"I'm listening." She said, stopping what she was doing.  
  
"Well, I need to tell you that. I'm leaving."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm leaving. Leaving County, leaving Chicago. Getting away."  
  
"As of when?"  
  
"As of now. My shift's over now. I'm out of here. I resign."  
  
"Carter, look I know you've gone through a very hard time but I don't know if this is going to be the best thing for you."  
  
"I just need to get away."  
  
"Well if you're sure."  
  
"I am."  
  
"i guess this is goodbye."  
  
"I guess it is. There's, um one other thing, could you not tell anyone. I don't want to have to deal with any emotional goodbyes."  
  
"Of course."  
  
He left the hospital to say goodbye to the one person he knew he would miss most. He parked his car and walked to her grave. At first he had had a hard time finding her grave, but after going there almost everyday he knew exactly where it was. He stood, looking at the earth that covered her coffin.  
  
"I'm leaving." he said, talking to open air in front of him.  
  
"Leaving Chicago. It's all because of you, I miss you so much. i don't know where I'm going, all I know that is I'm going away from here. I don't think I can stand this place for a minute longer. You understand, don't you? You know what it's like to feel suffocated. Well that's how I feel, like I can't breathe. I'll die if I stay here. You know that, I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry." He left on the grave a single red rose. And walked away from everything. To start a new life  
  
[15 years later]  
  
Carter sat outside his house, on the porch. Staring at the stars. He was married, he had three wonderful children. He pretended that he was happy, but he wasn't. Sure he loved his children, but every time he saw them he thought, what if they belonged to Abby? Would I love them more? He didn't really love his wife, Meg. About five years after leaving Chicago he met her and she understood his pain. She loved him, he was almost certain of that and he cared for her, he really did. But she would always come second to Abby. Frowning he went inside to tuck his youngest daughter, Allie into bed. She was four and extremely sweet. He tucked her in and she demanded that he tell her a bedtime story. He told her about a beautiful princess, called Abby. One day Abby met a prince called John and they became friends. He had always loved her, but her she was with another man. Well not exactly a man, an ogre. Anyways, eventually she became as in love with him as he was with her. But one day something terrible happened, the princess died and went to live with the angels in heaven. The prince eventually went and married another lady and had wonderful children but his heart was always with the princess.  
  
His daughter was not happy with this ending. "That's not fair. that can't be the ending. The prince can't go and get married to some, slapper,"  
  
"Allie!" he said, annoyed at what his step-son had been teaching her.  
  
"What? That's what Dougie calls nasty women,"  
  
"As I thought,"  
  
"But anyway the prince can't marry.......someone else. They have to have a happy ending."  
  
"Okay, well. One day the princess came back, because she wasn't really dead and promised to be with the prince for ever and ever."  
  
"And they lived happily ever after?"  
  
"In the land of nod. Which is where you should be, it's 9 o'clock!"  
  
"night night daddy." He tucked her in and walked out the door. He saw his eight year old daughter standing in the door frame, hugging her teddy bear,  
  
"I'm sorry you didn't get your princess daddy."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Ending number 2 (very angsty with a carby ending):  
  
He wondered which way would be the best way to do it. He wanted it to be relatively painless, John Carter was no coward, but he didn't want to put himself through any unnecessary pain. Slitting his wrists would be overly painful and messy, hanging himself, well it might take a long time. Taking an overdose would be painless. He had some painkillers for his back in his bag, he could just take too many of them and he'd be gone. Just how many would be too many? The whole pack should do it, he thought to himself, bitterly. He had finished his shift and he grabbed his bag and went to Abby's old apartment. He had been there a few times since her death, mostly when he had wanted to think. Her stuff had been put in boxes but no one had moved the boxes. He went into her bathroom and looked into the mirror that was still hanging on the wall. He stared at his own reflection for a minute, his hair was ruffled and he looked untidy, as though he hadn't seen a comb in days, possibly weeks. He stopped thinking about his dishevelled appearance and reached into his bag for the painkillers.  
  
He took all the pills out of the packet, put them into his mouth and swallowed. With each swallow about half a dozen pills went down his throat. He was sure about it, he had never been so sure about anything in his life. He couldn't live without her, he was sure of it. He swallowed one last time before the effects of the drugs began to kick in. He wondered if people would miss him, he wondered if anyone would be as sad as he had been about Abby's death, he wondered when someone would find him, he wondered if he was weak. He had taken the easy way out. Everybody mourns, but he couldn't deal with the grief and was killing himself. The true meaning of those words sunk in. Killing himself. Although to kill oneself you would have thought that you would need too be alive first. He wasn't alive, he was dead internally. He looked in the mirror again, doubling up with the gut wrenching twist of his stomach.  
  
He could turn back, he could stick his fingers down his throat and regurgitate the pills. He could, but he wouldn't. He was doing this for Abby, as long as he kept telling himself that he would never turn back. The world spun around and faded away as his stomach twisted inside him one more time. John Carter was dead, inside and out.  
  
He felt himself die, he felt the pain and he felt peace. He was standing in the middle of a crowded room and suddenly the crowds parted and he saw her. She was as beautiful as ever and she was alive. She walked towards him and he had to convince himself that she was real, it wasn't just some trick of his mind she was really there. She took his hand and talked to him, smiling.  
  
"You didn't have to do this."  
  
"I can't be without you Abby."  
  
"you could have lived, your time would have come one day in many years and we would be together. This isn't your time John."  
  
"I don't want you in however many years time, I want you now."  
  
"I know the feeling." She smiled at him before leaning in to kiss him. The people in the room cheered, music played, fireworks went off. It was just like in one of those cheesy romance novels. But it wasn't a book, it was happening to them.  
  
  
  
Authors note2: Aw, it's the end. I'll miss this fic. It's an angst in the midst of all the fuzz that I write and read.  
  
luv ya guys  
  
Carrie xxxxxxxxxxxxx 


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